Why is it ‘fun’ for kids to destroy and break things?

This question rumbled around in the back of my head for some time. The first time it really struck me was in the early winter of 2003. I was out walking my dog the morning after a sharp drop in temperature. The night before it had rained, and there were some frozen puddles on the sidewalk. I was looking at these frozen puddles, when the child inside me had the impulse to step on them and hear that wonderful crackling sound. It was then that I stopped to consider, what was it that makes that fun? I realized it was the little boy version of myself who wanted to do that (which I did eventually indulge). Furthermore, it was the thrill of breaking something, an activity that little children relish, which was being sublimated. Somewhere inside many of us, including kids, is that primitive childish impulse, but why?

So there was the question. Why is it ‘fun’ for kids to destroy and break things?  It took me some time to discover an answer that was satisfying. The best theory I could think of was that it boils down to power. Many kids desire a sense of autonomy and independence. A kid wants to feel like his own separate individual, and this desire is even stronger for teens.[i] Unfortunately for him, he is not in charge (usually). In fact, reminders that others have power over him surround him. He spends all day being told what to do, how much to do it, and when to stop doing what he wants to do. This presents a sense of imbalance. The desire for power is contradicted by the lack of it. To set right this imbalance, he seeks out opportunities to feel independent and powerful, in other words, to have control. Destroying and breaking things is a primitive version of this impulse. That is the ultimate power over an object. His action makes that object cease to exist and causes its destruction. That is raw power.

I eventually found a similar idea expressed very well in a Calvin and Hobbes Comic by Bill Watterson:



In this strip, Calvin walks around, looking up first at his father, then at his mother. Calvin feels very small and powerless. To soothe this disquieting feeling, he goes outside and builds himself a very, very short snowman, which he can tower over. Now he is not the shortest (or least powerful) anymore, and he lets the snowman know it!

There are many other ways that a kid may seek to feel that sense of power that the world robs him of. Sometimes it is by pushing around others (often younger siblings or weaker peers). He may find ways to disrupt and disobey authorities, essentially hijacking their power. Some kids express this need to be greater than others through forms of competition, such as in sports or social hierarchy. Others resort to putting down peers with sarcasm. In extreme cases, he may even resort to actual cruelty to weaker beings.

All of these behaviors can be expressions of the same core desire to feel in control, to feel ‘bigger’ than someone or something. Therefore, when any of these actions becomes disruptive or problematic, they may be solved by similar means. If an unwanted behavior stems from a desire to feel powerful, then parents can provide that sense through more appropriate means. If you don’t choose where they can have it (i.e. if you deny them of it completely) then they will (by seizing it where they choose). So by giving them more direct control of certain aspects of their lives (their room, their homework, etc), then they are less likely to attempt to find it through more inappropriate means. You’d be amazed how some kids enjoy having some ability to make their own choices and preferences, or have some responsibilities that are theirs alone to do with as they see fit. This includes the freedom to make mistakes without you stepping in.

But to do this you must be willing to live with their choices, and their consequences.  Kids learn by repetition. They will repeat the same behaviors and experience the same consequences over and over. This does not make them stubborn and does not mean they did not hear you the last time.

Imagine how hard it is for you to try to change a bad habit, even one that you know is bad for you. Behavior is difficult to change (or my job would be a lot easier!) The neurology and associations are lined up to support the old pattern, (meaning you associate A with doing B, even if B gets you in trouble, and it takes a lot of self restraint to resist B and do C instead). If you step out of your routines and bad habits, and repeatedly make the conscious effort to change your patterns of behavior, you can actually alter your neural network, and therefore alter your associations and reactions in the future.[ii] And you, as an adult, are more capable of changing than your kid.

But if they repeat the same behavior over and over, repeatedly and consistently experiencing the consequences, they begin to recognize the pattern afterward. With each repetition, he will recognize it sooner in the process. Until finally he sees it BEFORE he does it, and yet does it anyways… slowly the new behavior patterns emerges. And then MAYBE he’ll choose different the next time.

My advice is to be patient, and don’t be surprised if you find him in this moment again, and again. The best attitude you can have when he is upset is a combination of empathy, and naming the pattern so he sees how he got there, but with detachment from whether he will apply that wisdom the next time. That is how they grow from child to adult.

Starting soon, I will be including a different form of posts to the blog. Along with the resources and stories that I have been passing along, I will be sharing some metaphors that I use to help with moments when communication breaks down in the families that I see.

It’s no secret that parents and teens can often have a hard time communicating. In a study done in 2001, about one-third of U.S. 15-year-old students had difficulty talking to their mothers, compared to about one-fifth of 11 year-olds. While ranking in the top three countries (out of 28 countries compared) for difficulties (at all ages), the U.S. was only slightly higher than average. Fifty-three percent of U.S. girls and 42 percent of boys reported difficulty communicating with their fathers. Across countries, 28 percent of 15-year-olds on average reported difficulties talking to their mothers, ranging from 16 to 36 percent. Older teenagers reported more problems than younger kids.[i] Another study showed that parents tend to overestimate their facility communicating with their teens.[ii]

Nor are these problems anything new. In the book Families: What Makes Them Work (1983), the author studied over one thousand families, exploring the separate perspectives of husbands, wives, and teenagers. Teens reported having a hard time communicating with both parents. While mothers believed that they were communicating effectively, the fathers were more aware of communication problems. Teens reported that the greatest stresses they had with their parents were day-to-day hassles and pressure to do well in school. The three greatest stresses on the whole family during years with teens were finances, marital satisfaction, and family accord.[iii]

Research supports the notion that positive and effective communication between parents and teens provides essential support, which can insulate teens from potential pitfalls and increase their chances of success in many facets of their lives. Teenagers who reported feeling connected to their parents were more likely to delay initiating sexual intercourse. Teens who said their families were warm and caring also reported less marijuana use and less emotional distress than their peers.[iv] Teens whose parents are warm and firm and grant them psychological autonomy achieve more in school, report less depression and anxiety, and score higher on measures of self-reliance and self-esteem than teens whose parents fail to demonstrate these elements.[v] Improving parents’ communication skills made younger family members think more negatively of alcohol use and early sexual activity.[vi] Family support, parenting styles, and the influence of peer pressure have been linked to adolescent health behavior.[vii]

When parents have high expectations of how much their teenagers can achieve, if those expectations are communicated and understood clearly, and if they respect the teenager’s need for autonomy and independence, such expectations can increase the teenager’s own academic expectations, which leads them to higher academic achievement.[viii]

With regards to minorities, African American teens are more likely to use discussion, self-affirmation, and disproving strategies to counter stereotypes and racism and to have higher self-esteem when their parents have discussed both achievement and discrimination with them than when parents ignore issues related to discrimination and racism.[ix] Native American youth who reported that their families cared about and understood them had better emotional and physical health and resiliency than peers reporting less family closeness.[x]

On the other hand, poor communication between parents and teens can have costly effects. Teens who reported feeling a lack of parental warmth, love, or caring were also more likely to report emotional distress, lower self-esteem, school problems, drug use, and sexual risk behaviors.[xi] Mothers’ and fathers’ hostility was significantly correlated with teens’ distrusting their mother and perceiving little maternal support. These feelings, in turn, were significantly associated with siblings’ reports that the affected youth showed negative social behaviors and with teachers’ reports of peers not accepting the teens.[xii]

Teenagers who report difficulties in talking to their parents are likely to also have similar difficulties talking with elder siblings, perhaps indicating overall family communication problems. Teenagers who report difficulties in talking to their parents also find it more difficult to make friends. For 11-year-old girls, difficulties talking with parents is associated with feeling less healthy. Girls who report poor family communication tend to feel lonelier.[xiii]

So parents and teens can often have difficulty communicating, and those difficulties have potentially quite alarming consequences for teens. Naturally, parents will want to communicate better with their teen. No parent sets out to have poor or little communication with her teen. Most parents want to find a way to reach their teens that respects the teen’s autonomy and perspective, yet helps the teen hear what the parents are trying to say. And lets not forget that these studies point to CORRELATION nor CAUSATION. Who is to say which came first, the troubled teen or the parent who has difficulty talking to that teen? And communication is a two-way street. What can a parent do with a teen who pushes them away? What can a parent do when they feel stuck and direct discussion only leads to repeating the same arguments yet again? I have found that metaphors can help parents support their teenagers navigate the complex process of emotional development with non-confrontational stories that can offer new perspective.

Metaphors[xiv] can offer a new way of communication with your teen. While advice can come across as threatening, controlling, or even insulting, new ideas are easier to accept through a metaphor. Teens can be more open and flexible in their thinking when they are listening to a story instead of having their parent tell them what they should be doing.[xv] Stories can show teens that there is another way to think about their lives and their problems.[xvi] As a result, they can imagine different ways of dealing with those problems.

What are metaphors anyway? Before I continue, it makes sense to get a concrete meaning of the concept of metaphor. According to linguists, a metaphor is a type of trope, a word that is used beyond its literal meaning to illustrate a point. The word metaphor comes from the Greek roots meta, meaning beyond or transforming, and pherein, meaning to carry or bear. So metaphors are used to refer to a familiar or vivid concept in order to transfer that familiarity or emphasis to a new concept.

We all use metaphors to some extent. They have become such a part of our language that we often use them without even realizing it. Such simple and common statements as ‘I am feeling down today,’ or ‘she really lifted my spirits’ are subtle forms of metaphor that have become so familiar that we may not even think of them as metaphors.[xvii]

Some metaphors are used so frequently, that we all know them and can refer to them as a form of communication shorthand and know that the listener will instantly recognize the reference. For example, referring to understanding as being like vision, including ‘I see what you mean,’ ‘I don’t see things the same way,’ and ‘he has a distorted view on things.’ Another common metaphor is that love is like fire, including ‘there were sparks flying,’ ‘thing are really heating up,’ ‘I am burning for her,’ and ‘it was a hot, steamy relationship.’

We use metaphors to communicate something complicated, something personal, something painful, or something foreign to the listener by forming a more easily communicated reference point. They provide a form of verbal shorthand, allowing the speaker to communicate a lot of vivid information about a concept in an accessible manner. They provide greater understanding between speaker and listener. Metaphors can also protect the speaker from speaking about a delicate subject directly, whether it is the speaker or the listener who might be uncomfortable with a more direct discussion.[xviii]

By creating vivid metaphors, a parent can be more confident that his ideas are being communicated effectively. Metaphors can be exchanged back and forth in a process of refining meaning and greater understanding. When discussing very personal and subjective experiences, this allows more certainty that I understand what you mean, and vice versa.[xix]

For all these reasons, I frequently make use of metaphors in sessions with clients. As a psychologist, I have seen first-hand the power that metaphors have to alter a teen’s frame of mind regarding himself, his problems, or his interactions with others. In discussing a parallel situation in the context of a metaphor, a teen’s perspective on his own situation can change. He can imagine different ways of responding when he is talking about someone else that he might not have imagined while talking about himself. He can believe someone else can change, while feeling trapped in his own habits himself.[xx] Metaphors also provide a powerful and vivid image, which a teen can hold onto in order to remind himself of the changes he wishes to make.[xxi]

From time to time, I will be posting one of the metaphors that I have used with clients on the blog. Each of these metaphors was born in that moment of ‘flow.’ Flow is a moment that we all experience from time to time. It is the moment when you are totally present and involved in what you are doing or saying. In that moment, your choices are driven by training, experience, focus, and instincts. In a moment of flow, you KNOW what to say or do next even if you are not certain why you know.[xxii]

“A good [session] should be like a small play…but played seriously. A good [therapist] does not become tense, but ready; not thinking, but not dreaming; ready for whatever may come. When the [client] expands, I contract. When he contracts. I expand. And when there is an opportunity, I do not [respond], [the words respond] all by [themselves].” [xxiii]

In this moment of flow I have found that the right story can be a powerful tool of communication. I have since seen that these stories are useful to anyone who might benefit from a new perspective on familiar situations.

In sharing these metaphors on the blog, I am attempting to capture and share the stories that have taught me the most. In my life, I have encountered many stories… in books, in movies, and in less expected places. These stories have taught me so much. Some of the stories that I will share are elaborations or different versions of stories that were told or taught to me by peers and mentors. Some of them were likely repeating the stories as well. I do not claim sole authorship of these stories. Other stories are events that actually happened to me, and seemed to offer powerful metaphors and parables for life lessons. It is likely that the reader will already know many of these lessons, but perhaps never heard them presented in quite this way before. My only goal was to collect pieces of wisdom as I experienced them.

I found each of the stories useful. Sometimes they taught me something new. Sometimes they served as helpful reminders of something I already know, but need to practice more. Sometimes the metaphor simply captured an idea in a way that made it seem more accessible. These stories can help you inspire that part of your teen that wants to change in some way. Metaphors remind us all of the things that we know, yet do not always think of when we act. I hope the reader finds some of them as useful as I continue to find them.

These metaphors can be catalysts for personal growth.[xxiv] In experiencing these metaphors there is an opportunity for the teen to alter his attitudes and assumptions regarding himself and his problems, and to help him cope and grow in ways that he could not achieve before[xxv]. I believe that anyone who reads these stories will find some that resonate with their experiences. Many people struggle with repeatedly making the same mistakes and feeling stuck, yet they are not able to seek out help from others.

When discussing the metaphors, I will reference clinical examples to elaborate on the points that they raise. In each of these cases, the names, personal details, and all of the identifying information has been significantly altered so as to protect the privacy and confidentiality of my clients. In some cases, the examples provided may be compilations of several clients, but each story has some basis in real experiences.

These stories offer a glimpse into what therapy has to offer. It will inspire some readers to find fresh strategies to cope with their problems. For others it can open the door to the idea that anyone can benefit from exploring those problems more thoroughly in therapy. Now it is true that reading these stories in no way parallels the experience of sitting with a therapist. But if the reader is open, these stories offer an opportunity for growth and learning.