RSS FeedAn opinion piece foe parents who play video games on how to appropriately share the experience with your kids:
On autism
January 24th, 2012 § 0 Click on title to comment!
The American Psychological Association is considering restructuring Autism spectrum and Asperger’s diagnoses in the new Diagnostic manual:
Cutting off his nose to spite his parents
January 23rd, 2012 § 0 Click on title to comment!
There was a family that I worked with once who had a little boy, Samuel. One time, Samuel’s mom had to set a limit with Samuel because he wanted to keep playing and it was time to leave. This was not the first time that they had had the argument, and Samuel did not respond well. He really wanted to keep playing, and was feeling all the rage and frustration of being under the power and authority of his mother.
On the car ride, Samuel demanded that they stop for ice cream. When his mother said ‘No,’ Samuel struggled with what to do. He wanted to hurt his mother for denying him what he wanted. He wanted to regain some sense of control. So he threatened her with the only hostage that he had, himself. He threatened to put his arm through the car window if they did not stop for ice cream. Now his mother was confused and scared by this threat. Why would Samuel want to hurt himself?
I told her that Samuel didn’t actually want to hurt himself. It was a means to an end. And it was the only means that he could think of. He was hoping that she would give in to his demands. He knew that it would hurt her to see him hurt himself. And if she didn’t, he imagined that he could punish her by hurting himself. He was cutting off his nose to spite his mother, metaphorically speaking.
Fortunately, Sam has a pretty smart mom, and she didn’t take the bait. She knew that Sam was right. Sitting in the back of the car, he COULD put his hand through the window, and there was nothing his mother could do to stop him, short of pulling over and sitting on him. So instead of getting baited into a battle of wills, she cancelled the battle, and acknowledged the uncomfortable truths. She told Samuel, yes he could put his hand through the window and she couldn’t stop him. She also helped put into words the feelings that Sam was trying to express though this threat. She told him that she could see that he was frustrated for not getting his way. She expressed understanding and validated his feelings, rather than try to rush him to feel better. She didn’t argue with how he felt, such as telling him he should get over it or that he was being silly. She simply acknowledged that that was how he was feeling.
She also said that putting his hand through the window would hurt him and would mean he’d have to go to the hospital, and he still wouldn’t get what he wanted. In hearing his own feelings and perspective reflected back instead of an argument, and faced with the reality that his hostage negotiation had failed, Samuel gave up the threat.
I admired Sam’s mother’s ability to put aside her own anxiety at hearing this threat. In this instance, her response worked out well, and proved to be the best way to disarm Sam’s threat. However, I am not certain that this would work as well in every similar threat situation. This story was with a younger child, although the instincts at play are relevant to teens. This tactic would only work in the right circumstances, and may be grossly inappropriate in others. It requires a teen who is still accessible, and a parent who is truly able to acknowledge the truth of the situation, however uncomfortable it may be. Even then, it may not always work as well as this example. It is, however, an excellent tactic to have when faced with a situation that may have few other alternatives.
Communicating with teens
January 23rd, 2012 § 0 Click on title to comment!
Data on how teens prefer to communicate:
An article about Danah Boyd, a widely respected figure in social media research:
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/22/fashion/danah-boyd-cracking-teenagers-online-codes.html?_r=1
An article on the complexity of parent/teen interaction on facebook:
http://www.usatoday.com/tech/news/story/2012-01-22/facebook-parents-teens/52743092/1?csp=34news
and some tips for connecting with your teen:
The importance of parent involvement
January 20th, 2012 § 0 Click on title to comment!
When parents of middle school students participate in school-based, family interventions, it can reduce problem behavior, according to new research released online in the Journal of Adolescent Health:
http://www.cfah.org/hbns/archives/getDocument.cfm?documentID=22474
The benefits of arguing with your teen
January 20th, 2012 § 0 Click on title to comment!
Arguments can teach teens how to handle disagreements and conflicts in life and may be good for their health:
http://www.greenwich-post.com/online/columns/did-i-say-that/99498-teenagers-are-always-right.html
Sharing passwords as an expression of intimacy
January 19th, 2012 § 0 Click on title to comment!
It has become fashionable for young people to express their affection for each other by sharing their passwords to e-mail, Facebook and other accounts:
Why is it ‘fun’ for kids to destroy and break things?
January 17th, 2012 § 0 Click on title to comment!
Why is it ‘fun’ for kids to destroy and break things?
This question rumbled around in the back of my head for some time. The first time it really struck me was in the early winter of 2003. I was out walking my dog the morning after a sharp drop in temperature. The night before it had rained, and there were some frozen puddles on the sidewalk. I was looking at these frozen puddles, when the child inside me had the impulse to step on them and hear that wonderful crackling sound. It was then that I stopped to consider, what was it that makes that fun? I realized it was the little boy version of myself who wanted to do that (which I did eventually indulge). Furthermore, it was the thrill of breaking something, an activity that little children relish, which was being sublimated. Somewhere inside many of us, including kids, is that primitive childish impulse, but why?
So there was the question. Why is it ‘fun’ for kids to destroy and break things? It took me some time to discover an answer that was satisfying. The best theory I could think of was that it boils down to power. Many kids desire a sense of autonomy and independence. A kid wants to feel like his own separate individual, and this desire is even stronger for teens.[i] Unfortunately for him, he is not in charge (usually). In fact, reminders that others have power over him surround him. He spends all day being told what to do, how much to do it, and when to stop doing what he wants to do. This presents a sense of imbalance. The desire for power is contradicted by the lack of it. To set right this imbalance, he seeks out opportunities to feel independent and powerful, in other words, to have control. Destroying and breaking things is a primitive version of this impulse. That is the ultimate power over an object. His action makes that object cease to exist and causes its destruction. That is raw power.
I eventually found a similar idea expressed very well in a Calvin and Hobbes Comic by Bill Watterson:
In this strip, Calvin walks around, looking up first at his father, then at his mother. Calvin feels very small and powerless. To soothe this disquieting feeling, he goes outside and builds himself a very, very short snowman, which he can tower over. Now he is not the shortest (or least powerful) anymore, and he lets the snowman know it!
There are many other ways that a kid may seek to feel that sense of power that the world robs him of. Sometimes it is by pushing around others (often younger siblings or weaker peers). He may find ways to disrupt and disobey authorities, essentially hijacking their power. Some kids express this need to be greater than others through forms of competition, such as in sports or social hierarchy. Others resort to putting down peers with sarcasm. In extreme cases, he may even resort to actual cruelty to weaker beings.
All of these behaviors can be expressions of the same core desire to feel in control, to feel ‘bigger’ than someone or something. Therefore, when any of these actions becomes disruptive or problematic, they may be solved by similar means. If an unwanted behavior stems from a desire to feel powerful, then parents can provide that sense through more appropriate means. If you don’t choose where they can have it (i.e. if you deny them of it completely) then they will (by seizing it where they choose). So by giving them more direct control of certain aspects of their lives (their room, their homework, etc), then they are less likely to attempt to find it through more inappropriate means. You’d be amazed how some kids enjoy having some ability to make their own choices and preferences, or have some responsibilities that are theirs alone to do with as they see fit. This includes the freedom to make mistakes without you stepping in.
But to do this you must be willing to live with their choices, and their consequences. Kids learn by repetition. They will repeat the same behaviors and experience the same consequences over and over. This does not make them stubborn and does not mean they did not hear you the last time.
Imagine how hard it is for you to try to change a bad habit, even one that you know is bad for you. Behavior is difficult to change (or my job would be a lot easier!) The neurology and associations are lined up to support the old pattern, (meaning you associate A with doing B, even if B gets you in trouble, and it takes a lot of self restraint to resist B and do C instead). If you step out of your routines and bad habits, and repeatedly make the conscious effort to change your patterns of behavior, you can actually alter your neural network, and therefore alter your associations and reactions in the future.[ii] And you, as an adult, are more capable of changing than your kid.
But if they repeat the same behavior over and over, repeatedly and consistently experiencing the consequences, they begin to recognize the pattern afterward. With each repetition, he will recognize it sooner in the process. Until finally he sees it BEFORE he does it, and yet does it anyways… slowly the new behavior patterns emerges. And then MAYBE he’ll choose different the next time.
My advice is to be patient, and don’t be surprised if you find him in this moment again, and again. The best attitude you can have when he is upset is a combination of empathy, and naming the pattern so he sees how he got there, but with detachment from whether he will apply that wisdom the next time. That is how they grow from child to adult.
[i] According basic developmental theory, developmental stages are marked by coping with universal psychosocial crises that expand on previous development, as well as outside influences (such as parents) and physical development. According to Erik Erikson, adolescence is marked by a crisis of identity vs. role confusion. A Teen typically struggles with social interactions and grapples with moral issues as he tries to figure out who he is and where he is going. A teen will explore new roles and identify with new ideas in an effort to discover who he is as an individual, separate from his family of origin and as a member of a wider society. He will experiment with different identities and sub-cultures. He will be drawn toward absolute ideals, which are conflict-free, and have difficulty tolerating the ambiguity and paradoxes of reality. Unfortunately for his parents, in this process he is likely to go into a period of withdrawing from past commitments, associations, and responsibilities. Erikson referred to this withdrawing as a “psychological moratorium.” In this period, peer relationships tend to dominate.
If this process is unsuccessful, the teen is at risk for perpetual role confusion, premature and unexplored identities, temporary over-identification with popular heroes or ideologies, and socially deviant identities. Eventually, if a teen can navigate this process, he can develop a firm and committed sense of fidelity despite “the inevitable contradictions of value systems” Erikson, Erik H. (1963). Childhood and society (2nd Ed.). New York: Norton.
[ii] Begley, Sharon. (2007, July 2-9). When does your brain stop making new neurons? Newsweek. 62-65.
How to stop kids from cheating on schoolwork
January 17th, 2012 § 0 Click on title to comment!
Some tips from parenting.com:
http://www.cnn.com/2012/01/17/living/kids-cheating-school-p/index.html?hpt=hp_c2
How to Teach Children and Teens About Winning and Losing
January 17th, 2012 § 0 Click on title to comment!
How to Teach Children and Teens About Winning and Losing
Many children get involved in sports at a young age and continue through adolescence or adulthood. One of the most important aspect of playing sports as a child is learning about winning and losing. While children may want to concentrate entirely on the outcome of the game, it’s important to teach them about what really matters – having fun! Here are some tips for parents to teach their children the right way to handle winning and losing.
1. Start young. With kids joining soccer teams at age three, they are exposed to winning and losing at a very young age. Since they are so impressionable at this age, you should instill the value of playing sports that goes beyond wins and losses. For kids under age 8, playing sports is all about social interaction and having fun, no matter what the score is at the end of the game. Parents and coaches should emphasize the fun aspect to take away the pressure of winning and losing.
2. Set a good example. Children often look to their parents and other adults to learn how to act in certain situations. When playing sports or games at home, don’t let your children win all the time so that they can gently learn how to handle losing. Teach them to congratulate winners rather than being angry or making up excuses. At your child’s games, show respect for the other team and parents, even if you’re a competitive person. You may have to work at keeping yourself calm when the ref makes a bad call or the coach speaks harshly to your child.
3. Encourage them to do their best. We all want our children to do well and win games. However, it’s important to teach them to celebrate humbly without bragging. When you child does win, teach him to be a humble winner by showing good sportsmanship to the other team. Rather than emphasizing the fact that your child won a game, praise their personal improvements and performance.
4. Help them learn from losses. Encouraging your child to do his or her best will help them grow in self-esteem, even when they don’t win a game. Help them learn to recognize their personal improvements after each game, no matter what the outcome. Teach them that striving to do their best and having fun is much more important than a score.
5. Find a good coach. Your child’s coach is another important role model who will affect his perception of winning and losing. Before enrolling your child in a youth league or school team, try to discern its philosophy on sportsmanship. Find out about policies related to keeping score, encounters with opponents, and player or parent behavior. You should also try to find out about the coach’s goals for the team – is he bent on winning, or does he simply want the kids to have fun? You might even try speaking with other parents who are already involved in the team.
6. Teach according to your child’s personality. A child’s temperament can significantly affect the way he/she learns about the values of sportsmanship. If your child is emotional, teach him about calming down and seeing the positive side of things when he gets upset. A conscientious child will aim for perfection, and so it’s important to help her set positive goals to improve. An aggressive child make take his frustration out on other players, so it’s important to set clear behavior rules and consequences if he doesn’t follow them. A social child should be taught the value of cooperating with her teammates and relying on them to stay positive.
Brenda Lawrence is a physical therapist whose specialty is sports rehabilitation. She owns the site http://www.physicaltherapyaide.org/ for students interested in a career as a physical therapy aide.
